Life (and Death) Goes On…

In a somewhat somber mood I noticed I slept in longer than usual. I gave myself permission to rest, but refused to let depression creep in. This would be the second mother’s day since my mom passed away and I realize that somehow my body is attempting to process the suppressed pain that I told myself was no longer there.

I hadn’t had the time to grieve. I hadn’t been able to just take time to myself. Life doesn’t stop, kids still have needs, husband needs quality time, bills still need to be paid, etc, etc. So day by day, I hit the ground running with pen, planner, and cellphone in tow. Off to tackle my task list, emails, phone calls, business venture, homeschooling, chores, and whatever else is thrown my way, I go.

So today I get up, get moving, and it gets good. I tell myself that it’s okay to grieve, cry, and miss my mom. It’s okay to embrace, love, and celebrate yourself, too! About 30 minutes into my workout, I get the call. I dismissed the call, but in the pit of my stomach I know I won’t be able to keep up my momentum. I get the call again… I answer to learn that my uncle passed away… (sigh).

Sometimes foresight, intuition, or deja vu just doesn’t seem so cool. Somehow I knew that there would be bad news on the other end of the line.

Ultimately, I knew that I could not ignore it, but somehow I hoped it would just go away. But Life Goes On and so does death which is a part of this life’s cycle. In my typical workaholic fashion I start making calls as I’m on my journey back home. Doing what I can to get things handled until I realize that everything is not within my control. There is only so much that I can do. Lord, why can’t I handle it all? Honestly I don’t want to and it’s quite unfair that I have to.

Just when it feels like the walls are closing in the phone rings again. In my defeat I decide that dismissing calls won’t solve any problems so I answer. It’s a familiar voice, “Hey, just checking on you!” and then the tears begin to flow. This time I can’t say “oh, I’m okay” or “all is well” because the truth is I’m a wreck and I’m tired and I don’t have the emotional fortitude to keep up a facade. I’m so thankful that God strategically placed people in my life at the right time in this season to reach out and encourage me and intercede on my behalf when I’m not able to do it for myself!

I could drown, be overtaken by all of the distractions the enemy throws my way. However, I will not be moved, I refuse to break. Instead, I chose to remain at peace. Selah.

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